She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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