i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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