don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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