You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
