In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize