I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
