I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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