I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
