I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
