Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
