Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
