Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
