is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
