At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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