Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
