This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
