and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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