why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
