You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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