he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
