Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
