I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
