i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
