Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
