I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
