Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
