I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
