Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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