the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
