she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
