Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
