dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
