Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You smell like stripper and shame
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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