you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
