You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
