toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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