You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
