i jhust puked up my retainher.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
ugly people sure do ruin things
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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