i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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