you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
