dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
