I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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