I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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