I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
