You're completely useless in the revolution.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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