who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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