Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
