the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
