I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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