Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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